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    Trump Says He Doesn’t Need Bolton’s Book Read To Him

    Donald J. Trump has “no intention whatsoever” of having John Bolton’s book read aloud to him, Trump confirmed on Monday. Speaking to reporters at the White House, Trump said that his daughter, Ivanka Trump, had obtained a draft manuscript of the Bolton book and had offered to read it aloud to him “like she does […] More

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    El Chapo Didn’t Want Witnesses At His Trial

    The convicted drug lord known as El Chapo said on Thursday that he was “outraged” his 2019 trial had included witnesses. He also revealed that he was demanding a new trial without them. Speaking from ADX Florence, a maximum-security facility in Colorado, the former drug kingpin complained that his trial would have resulted in a […] More

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    Queen Elizabeth Moving to Canada

    (The Borowitz Report) – Queen Elizabeth II is moving to Canada “immediately” and should take up full-time residence there by the end of the week, Buckingham Palace confirmed on Tuesday. The Queen offered no reason for the move, but the palace indicated that she had been packing her bags for the past several weeks. In […] More

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    Women are asking men to look at their chests again

    t starts off like any other PSA until one of the speakers says in exasperation, “my breasts….are down here!” “Do you think I’m wearing this bra because it’s comfortable?” she asks. “Sure there are times I want to be taken seriously,” she explains, but “those times I don’t wear this shirt!” If you’re easily offended […] More

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    Everything You Need To Know About The Royal Wedding

    Prince Harry will marry American Meghan Markle on May 19. The VE provides all the important details you need to know about the royal wedding. Q: How did the couple meet? A: This arranged marriage was brokered to improve diplomatic ties between the U.K. and the USA Network. Q: Why is the wedding breaking with […] More

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    Sheldon And Amy To Honeymoon in Costa Rica

    After the slowest moving romance in TV history, Sheldon Cooper is about to make an honest woman in Amy Farrah-Fowler. And the Vatican Enquirer has it that the TV couple have chosen Costa Rica for their honeymooning. Sources close to the couple revealed that the couple will be flying from Los Angeles directly to the […] More

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    Study Claims Women Abandon Feminism After Finding Meaningful Relationships With Men

    Women who remain die-hard feminists well into adulthood are oftentimes the least desirable specimens, science now claims. “The only relationships they have are often ones with other females who subscribe to the same strict ideologies, and serve as echo chambers for extremist thought. The stereotype of overweight, unattractive, bitter, resentful hags with a chip on […] More

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    “Oh, Shit,” Says Stephen Hawking After Learning That There Is Life After Death

    “Shit, shit, fucking shit, stupid asshole, it’s all wrong,” scientist Stephen Hawking said this morning when he discovered himself walking and with the vitality of his youth and to see that there is life after death and that, for therefore, all his assumptions about the nature of the universe were incorrect. “Oh, fuck, really?” Exclaimed […] More

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    Kim Jong Un Reveals He Is Just Using Trump to Meet Stormy Daniels

    PYONGYANG (The Borowitz Report)—Kim Jong Un has revealed to close associates that he has offered to meet Donald J. Trump only as a means of achieving his real goal: meeting the former adult-film star Stormy Daniels. A confidant of the North Korean dictator said that Kim revealed his true intentions behind the Trump invitation at […] More

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    Queen Victoria’s Cranach turns out to be the real thing

    For more than a century art historical experts have labelled a painting Queen Victoria bought as a Christmas present for Prince Albert a 19th-century fake. But a new generation of art historians has discovered they were wrong. Victoria and her advisers were correct when they bought the painting in 1840. It is a genuine work […] More

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    Recently Canonized Martyr Added To Vatican’s Animatronic Hall Of Saints

    VATICAN CITY—Bringing the tragic story of his righteous sacrifice to life, recently canonized martyr Salomone Leclercq on Friday was added to the Vatican Museum’s Animatronic Hall of Saints. “This newest addition allows visitors to experience the courage of the godly man who was murdered for refusing to swear an oath to the secular government following […] More

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    Former President Obama To Make Come Back With An Eye On The Oval Office

    Former President Barack Obama is expected to re-emerge on the national political scene this fall, looking to become the leader of the House when Democrats take it back from the Republicans in 2018, paving the way for his return to the Oval Office. “President Obama will be back in the Oval Office when President Donald […] More

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