(VATICAN ENQUIRER) Phoenix, AZ – Gas prices are on the rise once again, and once again this means that our nation’s airlines are busy coming up with sneaky new tactics to gouge a few more dollars out of the old bottom line. This week, SouthWest Airlines announced it’s new “Pass The Bottle” beverage and snack policy.
We talked to a super gay steward while whisking along on the moving sidewalks, who explained his company’s new snack time routine. “Oh, it couldn’t be simpler,” told Bruce Winestain, who loves how much less work he has to do during a cross country flight.
“What we are going to do from now on is open up a couple of 2 liter bottles of Coke, one for each side of the plane, at Row 1. We’ll give it to the first passenger, where they can take a sip of the bottle and pass it back. It’s that simple! An then a big bag of peanuts will come around in the same fashion. Just take a hand full and pass them back, too. It’s all explained at the end of my pre-flight safety shtick anyway.
SouthWest hopes that its customers won’t mind the inconvenience of not having your own plastic glass or chance at a second sip from the big bottle, but the company is certain that most of its customers would rather save an average of fifteen cents per flight. “Listen, if a customer is really getting pissed ’cause they want a second sip of Coke so bad,” said CEO Mark Wingnut, “then they can always get up and go to the bathroom, and try to snag the bottle at the end of the line. How easy is that? You were probably getting up anyway-”
Speaking of which, while your on your way to the bathroom, you might want to bring along some toilet paper with you – just one more of SouthWest’s little cost cutting measures.