VATICAN ENQUIRER (Commentary) – I’m a pretty laid-back guy. As long as other countries don’t get in our way, I’m fine letting them do whatever they want. But as someone born and raised in the U.S.A., there are some things I won’t put up with. Like, if I ever heard a country besides our own was suddenly calling itself America? Man, I’d be so goddamn pissed.
Hell, let me come right out and say it: You would not want to mess with me if you started telling everyone your country’s name was America. I would go totally ballistic.
Seriously, if I ever turned on the news and saw some president or king or something talking about how his nation was “America” and how his citizens were “Americans,” I’d have a hard time not going apeshit. It wouldn’t matter to me how rich or powerful this guy was. I swear to God, I’d go straight to his country, even if it was really far away, and cold-cock the guy right in his goddamn mouth.
Because that’s our country’s name. Not yours. You don’t just steal someone else’s name, especially not America’s. You got that?
And don’t pretend like you didn’t know our America already existed! If some country tried to act like that, I’d just be like, “Give me a break, pal. Of course you knew about us.” We’ve had the name America for hundreds and hundreds of years. So going and pretending it’s yours is a total dick move, and anyone willing to do it is basically begging to get fucked up by yours truly.
Get it straight: If Another Country Ever Started Calling Itself America, I’d Be So Pissed
Plus, all the countries out there already have names! You can call yourself Canada or Russia or whatever you want, but America is off-limits. Don’t even try it. Seriously, why would you even start with that shit? Are you intentionally trying to piss me off? Do you want me to take your ass down? Because me opening up a map one day and seeing the good old U.S. of A., and then looking over and seeing another, entirely different country also labeled America is a recipe for goddamn disaster on your end, I swear to God.
Man, I’m getting so angry just thinking about it.
I mean, where does it end? If you took our name, you’d probably take our flag, too. Just imagine some place in Asia or wherever raising the Stars and Stripes above their capital and saluting it like it’s theirs. Un-fucking-cool. Well, guess what? Don’t get too used to it, because I’d fly right over there and put a stop to that real quick.
Get it straight: There’s only one America, and that’s the United States of America.
Honest to God, if I ever ran into some prime minister or whatever with the balls to pull that crap, the first thing out of my mouth would be, “Hey, buddy, what the fuck do you think you’re doing? My country is called America. You can change your name back or get pounded into the ground. Your choice.” And if he said he wouldn’t change it, I’d drop him right then and there. Then I’d just whale on him until he promised to go back to the old name.
So listen up, Australia, China, France—all of you countries out there. We’re cool right now, but if any of you even so much as thinks about calling yourself America, then just be prepared, because the next thing you’re going to see—the last thing you’re going to see—is my fist coming right at your face.
Think I’m not serious? Just try me