“Gay men who want to marry however can move to Canada,” Judge Roberts
(VATICAN ENQUIRER) WASHINGTON– In a shocking and confusing 6-3 decision released by the U.S. Supreme Court Friday, same-sex marriage has become legal across the United States — but only for women.
“There can be no doubt that the founding fathers often envisioned two women being in a robustly active relationship,” wrote Chief Justice John Roberts in the majority decision.
“The Court rules therefore that women of sane mind and legal age can, from today’s date forward, enter into legal matrimony in any and all parts of the United States of America including Texas.”
The move came after heavy lobbying primarily from fundamentalist church groups, Ted Cruz, and the American tourism industry among others.
“You have to think these things through. When tourists come to our beaches, what do they want or not want to see? Women in string bikinis frolicking together in the sand? For sure. Men in banana hammock bathing suits nibbling on each other’s ear lobes? Ewwww,” said one Florida lobbyist working for several prominent hotels.
In his ruling, Supreme Court Chief Justice Roberts did not totally shut down gay men who want to marry however.
“Men who feel the unnatural and queerish urge to marry another man can move to Canada,” wrote Roberts (60).
“Our founding fathers did not goose each other.”
Reportering by Lee Whey for The Lapine